Joke of the day

[SilvrSRT10]

I can relate on just about every example.

I have finally learned to use vice grips to hold an item that I am trying to cut, drill or grind in order to save my left hand from being cut, drilled or ground when said item slips sending my fingers into the path of whatever destructive tool I happen to be using. And I thank God for paper towels and duct tape. I've had to use them to stem the flow of blood more than once.

 

[kwo51]

And the crescent wrench or adjustable wrench which can take the place of all others that round things off.

 

[priell3]

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other,

''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''




Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room when a slightly deranged resident came into the room, threw her house coat open and exclaimed, "Super pussy!"

After short consideration one of the gentlemen replied, "I think I'll have the soup."




Two old men were sitting on a park bench watching young ladies walk by when one of them says...

"Used to be, I would get an erection just seeing a young lady."

"What happens now?"

"Now, I don't see so well."

 

[kwo51]

Old people should not laugh and take laxatives. Soup !!!! Funny how Viagra can hurt your vision ,or does it just make you less picky.

 

[priell3]

Marie was driving home from one of her business trips in New Orleans. Passing through Cajun country, she saw an elderly Cajun woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Cajun woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Marie tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Cajun woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Marie.

“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman.

Marie looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Cajun woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

“Good trade…..”

 

[The War Wagon]

Finally "safe" at my home!!


I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBay any more) and
peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front
yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on eBay) and ran it up the flag pole ...


Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security,
Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've
NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel. Everyone
moves out of the way and security can't pat us down.

Hot Damn --Safe at last-- :iranmaybe:

 

[kwo51]

The truth is stranger than fiction !

 

[oppo]

TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

True story

 

[SilvrSRT10]

True story

I know at least one fella who can be used as an example. Table saws do not discriminate and they show no mercy.

 

[oppo]

I know at least one fella who can be used as an example. Table saws do not discriminate and they show no mercy.

Yep, you don't get a do over and iit feels exactly like you would expect.

 

[SilvrSRT10]

Yep, you don't get a do over and iit feels exactly like you would expect.

Please tell me you didn't. I've had a couple close calls but still have all the digits on my left hand even if they are scarred and damaged a little. Just about all of my "accidents" were due to being hot, sweaty and tired. Lesson here is quit before you reach that point. But I continued to push myself.

The three incidents that come to mind are:

1) Had my hand under the board to catch the piece I was cutting to use as a pattern for my next cut. The saw blade caught and my two middle fingers pretty severely and nicked my index and little finger. I wrapped them in paper towel and duct tape. Wife had a total conniption. Demanded I go to the ER. They cleaned it out and stitched it up. I took the sutures out myself.

2) Was cutting a piece of pipe with a band saw. Saw slipped and went into the side of my index finger.

3) Drilling through a piece of garage door track to back hang it. Went clear through it and clear through my thumb right at the joint.

Like I said, my left hand has taken a beating but it's still all together. Thank God!

 

[kwo51]

Chain saws will make you bleed too. Real ugly scares !!!! It's a bitch when you cut yourself and you are up a tree 50 ". War stories suck. Safety sometimes is staying in bed. Good to hear from you oppo !

 

[SilvrSRT10]

Chain saws will make you bleed too. Real ugly scares !!!! It's a bitch when you cut yourself and you are up a tree 50 ". War stories suck. Safety sometimes is staying in bed. Good to hear from you oppo !

Haven't had a chainsaw accident yet. And I don't intend to. I keep everything out of the way of one of those. I even have the chainsaw chaps to keep from tearing into myself.

 

[TheOl55]

But you only wear them when you go to that strange Biker Bar.....

 

[TheOl55]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to Bill and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The Clinton replied, "Yep, sure do."" Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the calm as a clam Clinton .
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned Bill, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said Bill.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
Bill Clinton calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 40 years."

 

[SilvrSRT10]

But you only wear them when you go to that strange Biker Bar.....

Who told you? And they're florescent orange so I really stand out.

 

[oppo]

Yep , I did. I almost didn't get the saw out that day since my mind was elsewhere. My grandfather was in the hospital after having a heart attack, the best dog I have ever had was in really bad shape, and the wife was hollering about who knows what. I had the guard up cutting some thick pieces. As long as I was actually cutting, everything was fine but then I turned around to get another piece, I left it running. That is when I lost focus and when I turned back around, I drug my left hand across the blade. It was over in the blink of an eye. My middle finger was cut off and my index finger was cut 3 times, a shallow flesh wound, straight up and down in from the tip, and crossways across the top trashing the tendons. It is still there but not good for much other than getting in the way.

 

[SilvrSRT10]

Man...sorry to hear that. I too remove the guard as most of the time it's in the way of making the cut I want. I do use a push stick to feed the board through the saw.

My father went to take a woodworking class because he was considering taking it up as a hobby. Once the instructor showed how the table saw worked and detailed all the dangers of it my father picked up his stuff and left the classroom. He wanted nothing to do with any of it.

 

[kwo51]

Measure twice cut once. Safety is my first concern ,working high voltage for 30 years taught me that there is always enough time to be safe. Short cuts kill !

 

[oppo]